The Apologetic Emissions of a Pogonophile

Let’s get things straight right off the bat.  Pope Francis is not the pogonophile- I am. Well, maybe he is- I’ve just never heard anybody ask him, “Hey Francis, so do you appreciate a good beard?” Wow, actually, come to think of it, I guess he probably does appreciate a good beard- considering Jesus had a beard and he prays to him almost everyday.

Anyway, I just wanted to see what it would have looked like had Pope Francis met with Donald Trump while in New York.  I like to think he would have wanted to spray silly string emissions all over that silly Trump- I mean, Francis is quite the joker I hear.

In all seriousness however, I am here to apologize to you.  I let you down. It’s been three months without a word. I am truly sorry. Please believe me when I say it’s not you- it’s me. I could give you a list of excuses, but why? I can’t do that to you- it wouldn’t be fair. So I will give you only one- the truth… I’ve been growing a beard. I know! I know! Don’t chastise me! I told you I was a 5 O’clock Shadow type of guy- and I thought I was- or still am- I don’t know- I don’t know- maybe I am- but with a beard- for now at least. I thought I knew who I was. But then I became curious- I began to have some new and exciting feelings- and then… I acted on them- I did! And the most confusing thing now is that I like it!  I do.

Having this beard is like having a friend who is always there with me. Get a dog you say? Well I have a dog. I can’t bring my dog into a coffee shop to keep me company while I write. I don’t have to tie my beard up to the tree outside and worry a biker will run over it. My beard comes in with me for coffee- and sometimes it gets a little dribble to itself.  Otherwise, it just hangs effortlessly off the bottom of my face while I write.  It stays quiet and steadfast, but it’s there for a stroke when I’m feeling pensive.

A Beard Runs Through It
Director Robert Redford fought for this adaptation title and movie poster but writer Norman Maclean would have none of it.

Unfortunately, not everyone can grow a beard.  I watched A River Runs Through It last night.  You know, the Missoula based movie directed by Robert Redford starring Brad Pitt, Craig Sheffer, and Tom Skerritt.  Sure, it’s about two boys growing up and rebelling against their stern minister father, but have you ever considered the underlying theme?  It’s really about the minister father rebelling against his two Montana raised sons because they can’t grow beards.  No matter how hard they seek his approval, they simply will never be good enough for him as long as they have naked baby faces. The movie ends tragically with not a single scratch of stubble ever to be grown.

But HEY! I can grow a beard! Twenty-some years on this earth and I have never tried. But guess what… There is a big perk that comes with this new beard of mine-  it has an appendage… My beard comes with a mustache!  I know, big whoop, right?  Well it is for me. I can’t foster “just a mustache”. No, really, I can’t. I’m not a Tom Selleck or a Burt Reynolds type. Each of these two men feature a mustache with the supporting role going to their face. They basically each have a marquee on their top lip that spells out S-E-X. Their mustaches make women go crazy. They make men go crazy. If those mustaches ever met I just can’t imagine what might happen- or maybe I can…

 

Reynolds & Selleck
The boys try out each others mustaches during a beach getaway.

I, however, will never sport a bold and independent mustache. If I ever do, the marquee on my upper lip will not spell S-E-X as it does for our two friends up there, but a longer message reading S-E-X-U-A-L  P-R-E-D-A-T-O-R.

deviant
A computer rendition of my life with only a mustache.

Alas, this post has come to it’s end. It’s just a short one to warm up my fingers for the season ahead when we become more intimate. Once again, I am sorry for the neglect you may have felt this Summer. Please forgive me and let me be your warmth this Fall and Winter. Let me be your hot apple cider. Let me be your pumpkin spiced latte. Let me be that shot of Fireball that you oh so regrettably love. I leave you no cocktail recipe on this page, but if you are looking for something new to kiss your lips click here for the recipes page.

Until next time…oct

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